Million Pound Appointments Read online

  "Have you explained what's going to happen?" He asks Rajeev.

  "Please. We don't like it here we just want to go home."

  Amir jumps up and starts screaming and shouting at Ken, and even though it's in Hindi and Ken is clueless as to its content, he knows tone, and realises Amir isn't just passing pleasantries with him.

  "That's all Greek to me." He shouts back at Amir. "So shut the fuck up."

  Rajeev knows that this is going to happen, that he is going to be killed, and he can't stop it. The hanging judge is in town and he's sober, and his name is Kenneth Webster. Rajeev tries to make eye contact with Larry, but Larry is dying inside too, so won't, or can't look at him.

  "I said have you told him?" Ken roars at Rajeev.

  "Yes." Rajeev answers. A beaten man.

  Ken unlocks Rajeev from the pink fur-covered handcuffs, and as he does so he looks contemptuously over at Craig who mouths 'sorry boss' to him. When Ken looks away Craig gives Larry a little dig in the arm.

  "Oi you. What did you call me earlier?"

  But before Larry can answer, Rajeev calls over to him.

  "Mr Lawrence, Larry, you have met my wife my mother, my father, my five children, please don't let him do this to me. I beg you sir."

  "Do you mind?" Says Ken. "You're in my house not his, so if you're going to be calling anyone sir, it'll be me thanks, and he can't help you anyway, the only one who can help you now is your brother."

  Ken doesn't relish the thought of feeling the life drain out of a man, so he closes his eyes and takes several deep breaths to prepare himself. He says over and over again inside his head 'He can do this, he can do it, he'll bring him back to life. He can do this, he can do it, he'll bring him back to life.' Craig places a footstool at Rajeev's feet. Fully psyched up, Ken opens his eyes and goes to put his hands around Rajeev's neck but is startled by the sight of Rajeev being steadied on top of a footstool by Craig.

  "What the hell are you playing at?"

  "I thought you were going to hang him boss."

  "Hang him? Why the fuck would I hang him?" He grabs Rajeev around the neck. "I'm going to strangle him." Instinctively Rajeev grabs Ken's hands, but he's not going to be able to shift them. Very few people if any could. An unnatural sound fills the room as a build-up of gasses in the dead poodle's body escapes. Ken releases Rajeev who sits on the stool gasping for breath.

  "It keeps doing that." Says Ken. "And yet the things stone fucking dead. It must be that awful shit she feeds them."

  Ken suddenly snaps back into the moment and picks Rajeev up off the stool by his neck. Rajeev's world begins to alternate from black and misty, to bright and out of focus, but unfortunately for him, Ken remains in both worlds. Rajeev's hearing is being affected too; Ken's voice sounds like he's standing fifty yards back in a windy watery tunnel.

  "Trust me." Ken says to Rajeev. "I know what I'm doing, we'll be talking again real soon you just wait and see. You're going to be just fine."

  The black and misty parts of Rajeev's world are lasting longer as his demise hastens. Ken's face goes in and out of focus. Rajeev feels warm and light as he crosses the line. He's on the death side of town now. His body suddenly becomes a dead weight and he falls flat on his back. Larry is standing with his back to Ken because he couldn't bring himself to watch Rajeev being killed.

  "For Christ sake Larry." Shouts Ken. "Don't let him fall on his head. I told his brother I wouldn't hurt him." Larry swings around.

  "Me? I haven't hurt him, you have." He roars back. "You've just fucking killed him."

  "Well obviously he was going to fall backwards, one of you should have caught him."

  Craig wants to say sorry to Ken for letting Rajeev crash to the floor; he didn't turn his back on the event but the words just won't come out of his mouth.

  "I'll do everything around here then shall I?" Ken shouts at Larry and Craig. "Get the cuffs off the other one and let's get this one un-killed."

  Craig goes over to Amir who is rocking back and forth in deep distress and isn't quite sure how to pick him up; even a thug like Craig can recognise a man in turmoil.

  "He's gone all funny boss what shall I do?"

  "I'll do everything around here then shall I? was actually a rhetorical question you fucking jackasses." Ken shouts at Craig and Larry.

  "Huh." Craig utters.

  If Craig ever made it onto university challenge and Jeremy Paxman said, 'Here is your starter for ten. Define rhetorical? Craig would hit his buzzer with lightning speed and the commentator would announce 'Craig Meadows. Bushwood Secondary Modern' and Craig would answer; 'It's that blue woman with one big eye in the middle of her temple in Extreme Slaughter on the Ex-box.'

  "Bring him over here." Shouts Ken.

  Craig looks at Amir and actually feels sorry for him but he knows he has to snap back into the moment, or he's going to find himself out of a job. He grabs Amir by the hair and drags him across to Ken. Amir drops to the floor and clutches his brother. Ken turns the plasma screen on and starts the DVD.

  "We're so fucked." Says Larry.

  "Shut up." Shouts Ken.

  Larry looks down at the distraught Amir clutching the dead Rajeev.

  "He told you he couldn't do it at least a hundred times; look at the state of him."

  Craig grabs at Ken's arm to get his attention. Now one thing you don't do to get Ken's attention is, grab his arm, and just before Ken's right fist connects with Craig's chin, he pipes up with…

  "He's going to have to do something soon boss, otherwise won't his brother's brain be dead?"

  Ken thinks for a second, and although it was just for a second, during that second he forgets to punch Craig's lights out for touching him. He knows Craig's right.

  "You're right, snap him out of it."

  Ken fast-forwards the DVD. Craig starts slapping Amir around the face trying to snap him out of his grief. Most people are told, in time, things will get better. In time, they'll get over the loss of their loved one. Amir isn't given the luxury of the 'In time' method. Ken finds the section of the DVD he wants.

  "Quick, bring him over here." He shouts at Craig.

  Craig pushes Amir in front of the screen, but his head drops so Craig grabs him by the hair again and forces him to watch.

  "Do you only save things with horns growing out their fucking heads?" Ken shouts.

  Ken picks Amir up by his collar and talks to him. Eye-to-eye.

  "That's you. It's still you. You can do it. I know you can because we're the same you and me."

  Ken places the palm of his hand on Amir's heart.

  "Natural Born Giver."

  Then places the palm of his hand on his own heart.

  "Natural Born Taker."

  In the background more trapped gasses escape from the dog. Ken sighs and looks over at Larry.

  "Will you please get that thing out of here Larry before I kill it again."

  Ken lets Amir go and shows him the paused frame of the goat on the floor. He then uses the A and B repeat function, and Amir watches the goat run through the crowd, time and time again. Ken touches the screen pointing to the boy.

  "You. The little miracle boy… You."

  Ken is just about to start his own brand of snapping Amir out of it, when Amir nods to him and runs to his brother. He places his hands on Rajeev's face and begins to rock gently back and forth. Ken watches Amir, and at the same time watches Larry out of the corner of his eye dragging the massive poodle by its back legs into another room.

  "We are so fucked." Larry's syndrome announces to the world.

  "Say that again and you will be." Shouts Ken.

  Larry puts the poodle into the other room, shuts the door and leans up against it. He shakes his head; he's feeling fuzzy and almost throws up.

  "I'm feeling fuzzy, why the fuck am I feeling fuzzy? I was fine."

  Rajeev's hand moves and his body jolts. Craig literally jumps up into the air.

  "No way." He says on his way back down.

>   Ken relaxes for the first time in what feels like centuries to him. He places a hand on Amir's shoulder as he rocks back and forth on his knees trying to bring his brother fully back to life.

  "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore Toto." He says with a big smile on his face.

  "Shit, we're messing with holy stuff, that's why I'm feeling fuzzy." Shouts a pale blue Larry.

  Rajeev sits up clutching his neck. Larry drops to his knees, crosses himself, and vomits on the floor. Ken looks at the previous deposits on his handmade Persian carpet.

  "Right, you've just bought that fucking carpet. It's yours." Ken screams.

  Larry finishes emptying his stomach and crosses himself again.

  "You don't fuck with God. Not God. That's a given Ken."

  Meanwhile Craig is thinking to himself 'I fucking love this job, its brilliant.' and why wouldn't he. Up until eight weeks ago he was on minimum wage working in one of Ken's betting shops. Ken just happened to be in there one day when Craig was dealing with a rather irate drunken punter. You get a lot of those; alcohol and betting shops make good bedfellows. And it's not just a coincidence either. Next door, or two doors down, or just across the road to every betting shop, you'll find a public house. When a Bookie wants to open a new shop, he'll spend weeks trying to find one next door, or two doors down, or just across the road from a public house. The poor man Craig was dealing with had just lost his entire weeks wages on a thirty-three to one shot, due to the fact that he had spent the last three hours, next door, or two doors down, or just across the road, in a public house. Craig asked him nicely to leave 'Come on matey, let's get you on your way, you're upsetting everyone' but he wouldn't leave. So Craig took the struggling man by the arm, walked him over to the glass doors, waited there for thirty seconds whilst looking through the doors for something up the road. Normally Ken would have asked 'What the hell are you doing?' but he was curious; he'd never met Craig before. Suddenly Craig reacted. The something he'd been waiting for was on its way. He turned the man around, head butted him hard in the face, opened the door, walked him into the street, and gave him a disguised push. The push had just the right momentum in it to propel the man forward. Due to his intoxicated state of mind, his blurred vision, the pain from his broken nose, he was helpless to stop in time and under the number 63 bus he went. Things like that impress men like Ken. The irate man survived just. To this day he's totally unaware he was actually pushed under the bus. Robert Craven Brown is still a regular at the betting shop, but now he uses a special ramp which Ken very kindly had installed for him. He still blows his money there every week, so he's paid for the ramp ten times over. But it isn't his wages he's blowing anymore, it's his invalidity benefit. God help people like Mr. Robert Craven Brown, if the bookies ever get their way and acquire licences to sell alcohol inside their premises.

  Larry flops down on the stool. Ken suddenly puts his hands on his head as though remembering something, then slowly walks over to Larry and Craig.

  "We have to do it again." He says bluntly.

  "Do what again boss?"

  "Kill him again."

  Larry can see on his face that Ken's serious…

  "Why? It worked Ken. Look at the man. He's alive.

  "No, I shouldn't have used strangulation, you just pass out and then your body automatically starts breathing again."

  "Who told you that?" Asks Larry.

  "I think I read it somewhere."

  "Trust me Ken, you didn't. One, because you don't read, two because you..."

  But Ken cuts in…

  "Larry, I can't bring Ray Charles in here if I'm not absolutely sure can I? I'd look a right idiot."

  Larry is so gobsmacked his second reason flies out the window.

  "Ray Charles?" He asks.

  "Yes. Ray Charles."

  "Why would you want to bring Ray Charles here?"

  "To give him his sight back. What do you think I want to bring him here for?"

  "To give him his sight back?"

  "Yes, to give him his sight back."

  "Ray Charles is dead."

  "Eh? No he's not."

  Craig's ears prick up; he's the new kid on the block and doesn't always feel comfortable joining in with conversations that he knows sod all about, but here he can help, here he can be part of this conversation, here he can contribute, and does...

  "Doesn't matter if he is boss, there's always that other one, the black one, the one that plays the piano… shit I can see him but I can't think of his name."

  Ken's not listening to Craig, nobody is listening to Craig.

  "I'll take his brother…"

  Ken begins to say, but Larry cuts in.

  "Take him where. Where are you going to take him?"

  "To the bathroom…"

  But before Ken can finish his sentence Larry cuts in again…

  "You're going to drown him aren't you?"

  Ken doesn't like being read like a book, so doesn't answer with the absolute truth, if fact he lies.

  "No. I wasn't actually." He lies. "I just thought he might want to get freshened up a bit." He lies again. "But that's a brilliant idea Larry, thanks. Yeah I'll drown him. Why didn't I think of that? Well done."

  Larry's shoulders hit the floor. Ken continues…

  "And I'll tell his brother he had an accident. Slipped on a bar of soap, or fell asleep or something."

  "And how will you do that Ken? Larry hits back. "He doesn't speak English, remember?"

  "If all he had to go on was hieroglyphics I think he'd work it out Larry, dead is dead aint it?"

  Larry's had enough, and after thirty years of wiping Ken's backside he wants to quit, but, he can't stop thinking, what if Ken's right? What if you do just pass out then start breathing again? What if Ken didn't actually just kill Rajeev? Drowning will kill him, there's no coming back from a drowning, and I've just put that idea in Ken's head.

  "I'd rather collect trolleys at a supermarket than do this job anymore. I mean it Ken, you kill him again and I'm off."

  "Good. I'll pick you up an application form."

  Craig snaps his fingers.

  "Stevie Wonder. Blind as a bat boss."

  Ken puts an insincere arm around Rajeev and starts to lead him out of the room. Larry watches a dead man walking, and feels useless. He can't stop Ken, and he knows it. This is one donkey that's not getting liberated from the mud. Craig starts the DVD and sits with Amir. Larry remains in the other half of the room and plonks himself down on the stool.

  "Imagine that Larry" Says Craig. "Stevie fucking Wonder in this house. Oh, have we got a piano? Only I've never seen one."

  "Fuck off." Larry screams back at him.

  "Oh man, you seriously need to be taking some sort of pill."

  After a minute or two of silence and reflection, Craig starts the DVD with the sound off. Amir rubs his hands on the screen touching the six year old version of himself with his fingers. Every now and then he recognises someone walking across the screen, and he softly speaks their names. 'Gurmeet' 'Yogita' 'Termee' His eyes widen and he's about to say another name, and this time he wants to include Larry and Craig in his excitement. 'Ranees' Ranees was his best friend. They pulled a rusty broken bike from a riverbed when they were just four years of age. Three days later it was mended and swapped for a live chicken. That chicken didn’t lay a single egg during the whole of its life. Eventually Ranees's father told him that the chicken had escaped. It hadn't. Whilst Ranees, his two sisters, and four brothers ate Methi Mutton Curry with Fenugreek leaves, Ranees's parents were enjoying Chicken Hariyali Tikka. When they were five years old, they were allowed to venture out of the village. Their favourite place to go was the market; a ten minute run (these two didn’t know how to walk, they ran everywhere) When they reached the market, Amir would distract the one eyed fruit seller Jerneed, whilst Ranees stole a handful of Jambul from his display. He was with Ranees when he had his first kiss. He was with Ranees when Ranees had his first kiss. They both kissed the
same girl 'Kameta' … but Amir just manages to stop himself from including them, as he remembers that Larry and Craig are his captors, not his friends.

  "Is he going to get one hell of a shock in a minute or what?" Says Craig risking another fuck off from Larry.

  "They've got a lovely family. Really nice to me they were. I wish I never found him now. I should have come back and told Ken that he died years ago or something."

  "Oh he'll be all right."

  Larry hasn't the strength to muster a loud 'fuck off' to Craig's 'Oh he'll be all right' remark even though he wants to.

  "You do know he's in the bathroom drowning him don't you?" Larry says helplessly. "He'll be holding his head under the water until the bubbles stop. Holding his head under the water until he's dead. Again."

  Craig sighs; he knows. The elation he felt just a few minutes ago has now gone, and it's gone because he's watching Amir touching the screen and saying names softly to himself. Amir has now become a person. A few minutes ago he was a bauble, a commodity. With empathy in his eyes, Craig looks at Larry and gives him a slight harmonizing nod of the head. Ken shouting at the top of his voice makes them all jump out of their skins, and the perfect peace they were all feeling is shattered. Amir stands up and stares at the door. Ken bursts into the room with a naked wet Rajeev over his shoulder. Amir drops to his knees and puts his hands on top of his head. Ken puts the twice dead Rajeev on the floor, puts one hand on Rajeev's forehead and the other on Rajeev's heart, and mimics Amir's slow rocking backwards and forwards motion, he then stands up and casually nods to Amir to take over.

  "You made your mind up yet? Tesco's Asda or here?" Asks Ken.

  Larry doesn't answer. He's hoping Ken will be proven right, hoping Rajeev will sit up coughing and spitting up his own pubes from his bath water. Ken obviously thinks he will. Otherwise he wouldn't so nonchalantly have asked him that patronizing question. Thirty-nine seconds later on his way back down to Larry's newly acquired Persian carpet, Craig shouts 'No way' again. Larry gets up and begins to leave the room when his 'What's up with you syndrome' takes a turn for the worse.

  "Have we finished killing him now you bastard?" He says shutting the door behind him.