Million Pound Appointments Read online

  "Fuck me." Says a stunned Tommy Rae. "He looks alive."

  "You're not wrong Tom, you're not wrong."

  Tommy Rae suddenly gasps.

  "Did he just breathe?"

  "No Tom, it's just your brain playing tricks on you."

  "Is it?" Tommy sniffs the air. "I can smell carrots now."

  "No Tom, it's just your brain again. There's no carrots."

  "He did love a fucking carrot Daz."

  "You're not wrong Tom. He adored the orange fuckers."

  "That's why his shit always looked and stunk differently from all the others. You sure you can't smell them?"

  "No Tom, it's just your brain, its fucked at the moment that's all."

  Tommy Rae stands up straight and pokes his chest out with pride.

  "That is the best fucking racehorse that's ever lived."

  "That's true Tom, he was the absolute dogs."

  Tommy Rae's smile begins to fade as he squints and looks closer at Silver Lining.

  "I can see bullet holes Daz."

  "No Tom, it's just your brain again, there's no bullet holes."

  Tommy continues to look longingly at Silver Lining. Daz comforts him as he breaks down again.

  "Twenty-two meetings, ten wins, twelve second places, that's a fucking good record Daz."

  "I'd say that was better than good Tom."

  "Are you sure about the bullet holes? Only I don't want to get him home and everybody laughs at him."

  "No Tom, it's just your brain playing tricks. It's just because you know they were there once. I can't see them, the man's a genius, he's done a brilliant job on Silver, in fact, I wish I'd never knocked the little weed out now."

  Tommy Rae lovingly studies Silver Lining. He walks around him touching and stroking.

  "You're going to have to do it again for me Daz."

  "Do what again Tom?"

  "Explain to me how I let Lawrence Lawrence talk me out of killing that bastard retard Kenny."

  "The chink in your armour Tom, the chink in your armour."

  "Money?"

  "Money."

  Tommy Rae mulls it over and nods in agreement, sighs, and then looks at Daz.

  "I've just had a thought Daz."

  "What's that Tom?"

  "How do we get him home?"

  Daz raises his eyebrows and keeps them raised. Now if anyone else was doing this, you'd think they were thinking; trying to come up with a solution to Tommy Rae's question. But Daz needs a starter pistol to get him thinking, so his eyebrows stay erect, and his mind is stuck on 'On your marks get set'. Tommy Rae gets fed up waiting for the 'go'

  "Water the weed and wake him up." Says Tommy.

  "Yeah good idea, he'll know, he's probably got a truck or something."

  "Yeah. And a big one I bet. How else could he move all the whales around that he stuffs."

  Tommy Rae begins to frowns. Daz notices.

  "What's wrong Tom, what are you thinking?"

  "There's something I'd really like."

  "Name it and it's yours?"

  "Do you reckon he could make him rock?"

  Daz thinks for a moment. Rock? He can't work out what Tommy Rae means.

  "Rock?"

  "Yeah rock. Do you reckon he could?"

  "How do you mean, rock?"

  "Fucking Rock. How do you think I mean, rock?"

  "I don’t know Tom. Rock and Roll? Singing and stuff?"

  "A singing horse? Have you lost your senses or something? He didn’t sing when he was alive, so why would I want him to sing now?"

  Daz opens his mouth to say something, but unfortunately the clutch that engages the mouth to the brain, isn't working at the moment. So Tommy Rae continues…

  "Rock. As in a rocking horse."

  "Oh. Right. I'm with you now."

  "My god you can be hard work at times Daz."

  "Sorry."

  "Well?" Tommy shouts.

  "It'd take a hell of a lot of geeing up to get him moving Tom, wouldn't it?"

  "Well I don't know, that's why I'm fucking asking."

  Daz starts feeling Silver Lining's legs as though he's an engineer trying to work out how he can best make this half tonne of horse, rock. Tommy Rae gets fed up waiting again.

  "Go and water the weed and we'll ask him." Says Tommy.

  Now unless you're au fait with career criminal lingo, you won't know what Watering means. It simply means, if you want to wake someone up that you earlier knocked unconscious. You urinate on their face. A bucket of cold water will do the same trick, but body temperature urine lets you know your place in the world as you come round.

  Chapter 11.

  Larry Craig Rajeev and Amir, are walking to the library to await the imminent arrival of Karen and Noz.

  "Come on speedy." Says Craig, as he gives Rajeev a push in the back.

  "Oi, leave him alone." Shouts Larry.

  But, unlike Larry, Craig can see Ken along the corridor with his hands on his hips clearly wanting them to hurry up, so he ignores Larry and gives them both another shove. Ken grabs Rajeev and Amir and pushes them hard into another room. They both stumble and fall to the ground.

  "If you two mess this up for me." Ken snarls at them both. "I'll cut your bloody heads off." He slams the door shut, and locks it. Amir instantly goes to the windows and tries to open them, but they are all locked. Rajeev just watches Amir in silence, he knows Ken wouldn't leave any windows open. During their imprisonment, Rajeev has been teaching Amir English, and nothing surprises Rajeev about his brother anymore. He just accepts that Amir's brain is different from everyone else's. Tell him something once, and he stores it, remembers it, and can use it. He knows that Amir can speak English now, and wants him to use it at all times. Perhaps it will stop the violence, if the perpetrators of that violence; Ken and Craig, see Amir as a person, a person able to communicate with them, rather than them becoming frustrated and lashing out at him because he can't. Rajeev speaks slow deliberate English to Amir.

  "We can't fight this man. Let's just get him his money, and hope he lets us go."

  "Vaha eka kulla."

  Rajeev cuts in, stopping him from talking in Hindi.

  "English." Shouts Rajeev.

  "Hai aura hama usaki haddiyom rahe haim.

  "English. Speak English."

  "Vaha kabhi nahim hone denge calem."

  "English English, speak English." Insists Rajeev.

  "He is a dog, and we are his bones. He will never let us go." Says Amir in perfect English.

  "Larry will help us." Says Rajeev.

  "He can't help us." Says Amir dismissively. "You've seen how the monster treats him. He's no better off than we are."

  Rajeev knows Amir has a point, and Larry probably is trapped as well, but he needs to calm Amir down.

  "He can help, and he will." Says Rajeev.

  Rajeev looks at his brother and wants to ask 'Have you grown taller? Because he's sure he has, he seems taller, but you don't start growing again when you're almost forty-eight years old, do you?

  "I have such anger inside me." Says Amir.

  "You have to control it brother."

  Amir stands up straight and inhales deeply. Rajeev can clearly see that Amir is taller, but immediately looks for reasons why he couldn't be. His shoes, the floor isn't level. Perhaps he's getting shorter, not Amir getting taller.

  "Every punch, every slap, these devils' give me." Continues Amir. "Makes me stronger."

  Amir walks forward, and although Rajeev knows it's just his brother walking towards him, he wants to back away for some reason. Rajeev is feeling genuine anxiety and fear in the pit of his stomach. Amir places his hands on Rajeev's shoulders; its then, that Rajeev knows Amir has somehow grown taller.

  "They are turning my heart black and my mind vicious," Says Amir, stopping to look intently into Rajeev's eyes. "And I like it." He adds making Rajeev shiver.

  On the other side of the door, Jane is looking nervously out of the window. Ken knocks back
a glassful of Whiskey, then sprays a fresh breath spray into his mouth. Craig is nonchalantly flicking through the Sir Roger Moore autobiography lying on the desk. He's not reading it though, he's looking at the pictures.

  "Oh Ken love, I'm so nervous." Says Jane. "Seriously, I think I could actually wet myself." She then takes a sharp intake of breath. "Shit… how do we greet them?"

  "How do we greet them?" Shouts Ken. "Shake their sweaty little hands and say welcome. It's not Wills and Kate you know."

  Ken takes a gun from his jacket, and hands it to Craig.

  "What the hell have you got a gun for?" Says a shocked Jane. Ken looks at her.

  "Shake their sweaty little hands and say welcome." He repeats.

  Jane gets it. She knows she can sometimes have a say in some of Ken's criminal activities, and often does, but she also knows that there are some areas that are purely Ken's territory, and this is one of those, so, she'll shake their sweaty little hands and say welcome. Craig has never held a gun before, and it's pretty obvious he likes how it feels. He moves it from hand to hand, feeling its weight, looking admiringly at it.

  "I want you in the room with Ant and Dec when they're doing their stuff." Ken says to Craig. "And if they try anything, like escaping, shoot them."

  Being the new kid on the block, Craig doesn't know if Ken means, shoot them, or, threaten to shoot them.

  "What do you mean boss? Fire a bullet into the ceiling or something?"

  "Well only if they're crawling across it at the time and I doubt if they will be, do you?"

  Craig doesn't answer. He's still trying to work out if he should shoot them or not. Ken can see he's not sure.

  "No. Leave my fucking ceilings alone. Shoot them in the legs."

  "Oh." Says Craig as he mentally questions whether he could actually do that or not.

  "In front of the Millburn's?" He adds, annoying Ken once more.

  "What is it with everyone round here?" He shouts. "It's not the fucking Pope and the Queen we're entertaining, its big bollocks and the old Slag bag."

  "Big bollocks?" Asks a curious Jane.

  "Yeah, he's hung like a horse."

  "Ohhh is he?" She unwisely says messing around.

  Jane knows Ken is about to shout at her for being interested in Noz's manhood, but decides to head him off at the pass.

  "And how would you know how big he is?" She gets in first.

  Craig's ears prick up. He wouldn't mind knowing how Ken came by that information too.

  "I just do all right." He says, wanting to move on.

  But Jane has him on her hook, and isn't about to let him off it.

  "I didn't think men liked looking at other men's bits and bobs."

  "Eh? I wasn't looking at his… bits or his bobs. The idiot opened the door in his underpants. Will you just leave it?"

  Jane smiles, and is so tempted to carry on teasing Ken, but he's back in Craig's face.

  "They're hardly going to want that sort of publicity are they? So yeah, shoot them in the legs in front of the Millburn's."

  Jane gasps, as several limousines drive up to the house.

  "Oh damn, now I really do need a wee." She says as she runs out of the library. Craig watches Larry greeting Karen and Noz through the library window. Karen is being pleasant, but Noz refuses to shake Larry's hand. He's looking around, clearly not impressed with Ken's home and grounds. They head for the front door. Craig still has the gun in his hand.

  "Do you want to get that thing out of sight?" Says Ken.

  "Oh yeah, sorry boss."

  Jane comes back into the library through one door, as Larry Karen and Noz come into the library through the main door. Noz looks at all the books on the shelves and nudges Karen with his elbow.

  "I bet he hasn't read any of them. Probably coloured a few in though." Said just loud enough for everyone to hear.

  "Oh look, Tweedle Dumb's here everybody." Ken counters with. "And someone's dressed the little fucker this time."

  Jane walks over to Karen, and being unsure how to address her, decides to curtsy, which takes Karen by surprise, because regardless of the countless millions she and Noz have in their bank accounts now, she grew up on the notorious 'Wilding' council estate in Deptford, and is a product of the late 1960's 'Comprehensive schooling system' i.e. you left school with no qualifications at the age of sixteen. Jane instantly knows that curtsying wasn't the right thing to do, and feels daft for doing it, and can't for the life of her think why she did.

  "I'm Ken's wife." She says trying to move on.

  Noz laughs.

  "Really?" He says looking at Ken. "I was just going to ask you, what your daughter's name was?"

  Jane laughs at Noz's comment, which Ken has noticed and logged, but Karen hasn't come here to hear Ken and Noz playing at being kids.

  "Stop it, the pair of you." She tell them.

  Ken shakes his head and gives Noz a look of contempt.

  "So what happens now Ken?" Asks Karen.

  Before Ken answers he gives Noz another look of contempt.

  "He'll put his hands on your heads. You'll fall asleep, wake up like spring chickens, pay me, and fuck off."

  "What no tea and biscuits?" Says Noz, still being a kid.

  "I'm sure we could find you a Rusk somewhere." Says Ken, being an even bigger kid.

  Craig is feeling rather protective towards Ken. He doesn't like how Noz is talking to him, and this is exactly how a right-hand-thug should be feeling, but, up to this point it's just been a job to him. He's realising fast, that this job is a lot better than his last one; working in the bookies, and this one comes with a proper room too. His digs above the shop were cramp damp and on a very busy twenty-four-seven High Street. If Jane and Karen weren't in the room, he knows he would have punched Noz's lights out by now, and this feeling is new to him, but he knows this feeling is right, and it is.

  "This had better not be a con." Says Karen.

  Ken opens his arms presenting himself.

  "Do I look like a fucking con man to you?" He says rather insulted.

  Noz laughs through his nose.

  "Are you serious? Of course you fucking do, because you fucking are."

  Craig walks forward and is about to punch Noz's lights out. Ken stops him with a look, a look that says 'Not yet, you can have him later' and for the first time the boss and thug bond is established between them. No words needed, but plenty being said all the same. Karen nods and accepts Ken isn't a con man.

  "It's just that… if this Anton Decks can do all the things you say he can. Unblock arteries, tone muscles, strengthen joints, firm skin…"

  "Who the fuck is Anton Decks?" Asks a surprised Ken.

  "Your mystic man. That's his name isn't it?"

  "My what man?"

  Larry steps forward. He understands where the confusion is.

  "No. His name is Amir." He says to Karen.

  "Oh, is it?" She says, somewhat confused. "Is the other one's name Anton then?"

  "What? No." Now Larry is getting confused. So Craig sticks his oar in.

  "We call them Ant and Dec, like the midgets on the telly, because you can't tell the fuckers apart."

  "Racist bastards." Shouts a genuinely outraged Noz. "Can't tell the fuckers apart? Come on Karen, we're leaving."

  Ken looks at Larry, and Larry knows he needs to sort this out, and quickly.

  "Some find their names a little difficult to remember, that's all." Says Larry.

  "Why? What are their names then?" Asks Noz.

  "Rajeev and Amir."

  "Racist bastards… Rajeev and Amir aren't difficult names to remember." Shouts Noz. "Rajeev and Amir." He looks at Ken. "Even that fat bastard could probably remember those."

  Karen wants to get back to her question, and looks at Ken.

  "Well if this Rajeev can do all the things you say he can."

  Larry cuts in to correct her.

  "No it isn't Rajeev that does it, its Amir."

  "Racist bastards" Shouts
Noz. "You just said you couldn't tell them apart. Karen, do as you're fucking told. We're leaving."

  "Shut up." Karen shouts at Noz, making Ken and Craig laugh at him. Karen pokes Ken hard in the chest. He stops laughing.

  "Well if this Amir." Continues Karen. "Can do all the things you say he can, why hasn't he done it for you?

  "He has." Says Ken, giving Karen a hard poke in the chest. "I'm five hundred years old. Everybody happy now? Good." He looks at Larry. "Larry, go and get Mr. Anton Decks." He says trying not to laugh. "And let's get this fucking show on the road."

  Larry pulls a pissed off face, and goes into the room holding Rajeev and Amir. Noz goes over to Craig. Karen stands alone. Ken stands next to Jane. An awkward silence blasts their ears. Larry walks back into the room with Rajeev and Amir. Jane sighs with relief because she just wants to get out of there. She's still angry with herself for curtsying, but she thinks she's worked out why she did it. It was because Ken mentioned the Queen and the Pope.

  Ken reintroduces Rajeev and Amir to Karen. Noz talks to Craig.

  "That little pee-shooter I saw you put down the back of your trousers. I'd keep it there if I were you." Says Noz.

  "I don't know what you're talking about mate."

  "Firstly little boy, I'm not your fucking mate and never will be your fucking mate. Secondly, we haven't come alone."

  Craig lifts up one side of Noz's long hair and gives it a tug.

  "Nice syrup. Expensive was it?"

  But Noz's hair isn't a wig. Like so many other ageing rock gods still strutting their stuff today, he too has managed to keep a full head of hair growing; follicles, obviously like loud music.

  "If we don't walk out of here in the next hour. Noz says straightening his hair. "Guess what happens?"

  "Look I know you're trying to frighten me, but sad old trannies like you just make me laugh… mate."

  Ken Larry and Jane walk past Craig as they head for the garden. Ken gives Craig a knowing nod. Jane shuts the glass doors and she sighs with relief.

  "I fucking curtsied." She says, and then gives Ken a slap on the arm. "It's your fault, mentioning the bloody Queen."

  She's expecting Ken to laugh and make fun of her. She isn't expecting...